What is Emotional Processing and How Can We Improve It?

It takes 90 seconds to process an emotion - at least according to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. That sounds easier said than done, especially since everyone talks about it but no one explains it. Having the ability to regulate yourself is crucial, and I think it should be taught to us from childhood. When we don’t have these tools, we tend to emote at all the wrong places - like starting to cry when we want to get angry, not being able to handle high-pressure situations, struggling with difficult social situations, or avoiding new deep connections as they often involve confrontation. Additionally, we might find it challenging to resolve disagreements in our existing relationships, to name a few.

I remember being confused about how exactly to process certain emotions or situations. It can be quite frustrating as there is no conversation around this topic. So, here are a few things I have picked up from mentors, friends, my awesome therapist, and of course, the GOAT – Instagram, that could maybe help you. I have given credit wherever I can remember where I picked it up from. Please remember that these are tools or techniques that are comfortable for me. Each person has a different way of looking at the world and a different expression of emotions. I hope at least some ideas here connect with you or inspire you to find something that works better for you. We are also social creatures, so we still need our trusted safe people with whom we can process out loud. These kinds of conversations strengthen relationships as you choose to be vulnerable and provide a chance for your friends or family to show up for you in the way you need. It’s a beautiful experience, and you can take your relationship to a whole new level.

The first step is I want you to do is reflect on where exactly you find yourself being dysregulated. How to identify this stage? Think about where you feel that you can’t think clearly, experience brain

fog, and end up reacting to situations in a way that doesn’t align with the values that you have created for yourself. You might regret it later and hope you handled it differently. A relationship or situation where you feel like you are not in control and are giving your power away. Is there a behavior that you exhibit that you find annoying, sad, or question why you handle things that way? Identifying this as soon as you read this will be difficult as we are not used to monitoring ourselves or even reflecting. You can keep this in the back of your head as you move ahead and keep an eye out for dysregulated states.

Look at this part of yourself with COIN - Curiosity, Openness, Interest & Non-judgment. My wonderful therapist revealed this technique when I started instinctively using it. It amazes me that when you want to nurture or grow and are open to your instincts the body remembers how to heal itself. I mean this physically and emotionally.

COIN is an extremely important part of identifying, as you have to remember that the dysregulated emotion or feeling is a part of you and you deserve to be treated with all the love in the world. I remind myself to do this by asking either one of these 2 questions - Will I treat my students this way? Will I talk to my best friend like this? My students are below the age of 12, so obviously, I am the

gentlest with them and will never in a million years disrespect them or talk to them with anything other than love. Somehow we are always the nicest to our friends compared to ourselves. “Imagine you speak to yourself the same way you do to the people you love. Imagine waking up to that every day. Unstoppable!” I remember reading this on Instagram a while ago and immediately writing it down in my phone notes. I religiously tried to apply this concept the first thing in the morning as soon as I woke up and the difference it made was incredible.

Okay, now that you have a slight inkling of where you want to nurture yourself, you can go on to the next part. The first step is to acknowledge what you are feeling. Don't push it down. Something happened and you're mad, sad, glad, whatever it is, first recognize that. This is extremely difficult for us as we are always taught not to get angry, not to get jealous, not to feel. Emotion is energy in motion, and if we let that river of energy flow, then it will just experience itself and move on and

release from your body. If we don’t acknowledge and accept that emotion, it's going to build up like a dam. The potential energy will keep rising. “The 6 Pillars of Self-esteem” by Dr. Nathaniel Branden is a good book to understand the concept of self-acceptance in-depth. When we begin on the journey of healing and self-care, we think emotions like anger and sadness are beneath us, but they are the most human part of us. We live in a world of opposites, so there is no escaping these valid emotions.

Once this emotion comes up, let it wash over you. How do you do that?

A friend was kind enough to walk me through this meditation when I was feeling low so now I have created a guided audio recording that you can use as well. Remember to trust your imagination and instincts as you go listen to it. To receive your free guided audio, simply click here!

The first time I ever did these meditations I felt silly. I was so numb when I started that I couldn’t feel any sadness. People used to cry in front of me, and I would just stand blinking with an embarrassed smile on my face. Now, I love crying. I love getting angry. I’m even growing a liking to getting embarrassed. It’s a long journey, but the fact that we can feel emotions is the best part about being human. We can love so deeply. Get excited over the silliest things. We can be awestruck and filled with gratitude. Every emotion comes with its own gifts and teachings. Once you are comfortable with feeling your emotions, you’ll soon, in time, be able to know what it came to teach us but that's a conversation for another time.

Now, to be honest, this part of processing could only be the start of the beginning. Acknowledging is the first step. Then as you go about, you’ll have more and more clarity through aha moments, Instagram videos that you relate to, conversations with friends, a memory that suddenly comes up.

Acknowledging your emotion is not a guarantee that it won't come up again or that you behave

differently next time. The next time the emotion comes, maybe you’ll spiral for 3-4 days before you remember to let it dissolve. The next time after that, it’ll be a day. Then a few hours. One day you’ll suddenly realize - “Whoa, I usually get triggered by situations/comments like this but I am fine.”

Your whole internal dialogue will change, and you will be filled with gratitude.